Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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