I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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