I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize