I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
