Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
