Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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