I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
