How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
