I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He better not be in your backpack
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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