I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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