I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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