I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
