I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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