It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
