May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
