I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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