When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
