Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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