I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
