Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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