The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
