also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
