This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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