how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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