when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize