My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
