Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
