I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
