Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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