My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
