READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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