bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
