I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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