Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
