Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
