Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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