and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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