he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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