We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
