I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
