My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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