last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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