he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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