Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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