your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
