Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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