Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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