found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
