What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
