how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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