Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
