haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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