ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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