I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize