I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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