i can't believe i had my finger in that
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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