Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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