you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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